Are ya in...or are ya out?

When I close my eyes and imagine his thought process I think it must have been similar to what any one of us would think. He was, after all, human. And then I let my imagination take me to that tent and that night and the wrestle that I feel almost certain took place. I imagine I am he, laying there in the dark, eyes wide open, breathing a little harder than normal, heart beating a couple more times per minute, hands clammy. Like a broken record, I can hear his voice asking me for the biggest, most personal sacrifice I have ever known of.
"Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
And my breath is suddenly gone, I am gasping for air. I can't breathe, this must be what it is like to suffocate. Okay, uh God? Did I hear you right? Do you mean THE Isaac? The one you promised me in my old age? The one you said would be the start of that whole "descendants as numerous as stars" promise?

Have you ever taken the time to sit, be still and imagine? C'mon, we know he had to have wrestled with God a bit over this one. If Jesus asked to be released from his mission then it's a pretty safe bet Abraham asked at least once. I can almost hear it now. "So, Abraham, are ya in...or are ya out?" I think we know his answer because with the same determination Jesus would exhibit years later, Abraham exited his tent the next morning with his son and headed for the hills - walking straight towards the mission God put before him.

I feel like I am taking every step with him. And with every step I ask, "God are you sure?" all the while trying to be calm on the outside. I imagine we arrive together at the base of the mountain God said he would lead him to. And then we start up.

Back in 2001 I did an unthinkable thing to those who know me well. I willingly hiked up Pikes Peak. Yep, me. Hate the sun, hate the bugs, refuse to use the outdoor facilities for...things, hate to sweat. I trained for it and then I marched up that mountain. I mean it, I looked at that mountain and up I went. There's one part right past Bar Camp that is straight up. Many people lose momentum at this place. I told God no way - I wanted up the mountain because going down was not an option. My hiking partners were shocked, I passed people, I passed bike riders!! I was literally conquering this mountain. It was a personal victory. But then I hit the treeline and the "no oxygen" zone. I slowed but persevered. Then I made a mistake, I sat down on a boulder. And the next thing I knew I was crying, unsure if I could go on. After an eternity - or maybe it was just 10 minutes - I stood up, looked at the top that beckoned to me and put one foot in front of the other. I imagine Abraham did the same thing. Looked up and put one foot in front of the other.

Did he ever stop to rest? Did he ever take a moment when Isaac wasn't paying attention and voice his uncertainty to God once again? Did he ask God to speak again only to be met with the silence? Did he consider turning around and going down the mountain - or like me, was going down not an option?

Abraham had trained for this hike. God had been putting him through rigorous tests of faith for years, and it all led to this one act of obedience. Abraham had a choice. And it was a choice that scared him. Because it required of him more than what he had to give. It required his very breath. It would make or break this relationship he had forged with a God who created him and set him apart.

Well, we know what happened don't we? He, working out his salvation with fear and trembling, obeyed. And then God spoke again, finally.
"Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.
"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

Abraham's faith carried him all the way to the top of a mountain, he was later credited with righteousness because of his faith and this crazy obedience. He was a walking definition of walking in faith and not by sight. What he saw didn't make any sense so he made the choice to walk in what he knew of his God.

Lanny and I asked the Lord a few days ago for one clear final sign that he was asking me to travel my own personal mountain of sacrifice. In his grace he provided a clear sign to us within 12 hours of our request. And then he continued in his grace to deal with me on my fears - irrational to most, real to me.

With fear comes a darkness and in that dark place my breath is taken away. What God asks of me is more than I have to give. I think I must be fading away without the breath that sustains me. But then he begins to show me that he has been training me for this act of obedience and this demonstration of faith. I face my fears by putting one foot in front of the other, I face my uncertainty by looking up and continuing on despite my circumstances. I break the darkness of fear by choosing to walk in what I know of my God and not by what I see.

So, Beth, are ya in...or are ya out?
Oh, I'm IN.
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"As they followed they were afraid." Mark 10:32

There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even the disciple's heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air. When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to truly follow Jesus, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy.

(Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest)